Will you read the first paragraph of my story please


Sweet Cakes , Thursday, 12th of August 2010 01:47:30 PM

l know i'm not the best writer as i'm only seventeen plus it is only for 
Sweet Cakes
fun, l would like to hear some people opinions though.
Thanks for 
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taking the time out to read it :).

l sat at my vanity stand 
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brushing my brown wavy hair back into a ponytail before securing it into 
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place with a silk blue ribbon. That was when l first felt it, the same 
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feeling l got when they first visited me a year ago. It had been getting 
more frequent over the past couple of weeks, it was as if they were 
telling the others l could see them. l was not asfrightened as the first 
time they visited, that blonde haired women dressed in a satin white gown 
who sat on my bed crying into her hands, l thought she had broken into my 
apartment until she stood up and disappeared into thin air. l thought l 
was going crazy, l had been exhausted that week but l started seeing her 
more often then others would visit me, that was when l realised l could 
see ghosts. The dead walking around like normal living people. l call it 
my gift. From then on l got a burning feeling inside my stomach when one 
was close to me, l felt them before l could see them. The burning 
sensation was stronger than I'd ever felt tonight, something was wrong. l 
slowly turned my head, scanning my bedroom as quickly as l could but the 
lighting in my room was poor, l could barely make out the artwork on my 
wall. l felt the burn in my stomach get worse, l knew whatever it was, it 
was coming for me and fast. You need light, switch the light on! called a 
small voice inside my head. l stumbled over to the lamp that was rested on 
my bed side cabinet but before l could flick the switch up, something 
dark-shadow-like-caught my eye in the far corner. l froze. l stared at the 
dark shadow for several seconds trying to make out the shape, it looked 
human but l could not be sure. It started moving closer, the burning was 
intense l could feel the beads of sweat forming across my forehead, the 
darkness was getting bigger, it seemed like it had filled the whole room. 
There was no sound, only the beat of my heart—which sounded more like it 
was humming—and my uneven breathing. In one quick but painful motion l 
reached for the lamp and clicked the switch, the shadow was gone in 
seconds along with the fire that burned my stomach. Whatever or whoever it 
was disliked the light. l laid there on the floor for a few minutes before 
heading to the bathroom to splash my face with cold water. l lent over the 
marble sink looking into the mirror in front of me, l stared at the girl 
looking back at me she looked pale and washed out, all the colour from her 
face completely drained instead it was replaced with fear. l turned away 
and grabbed a small hand towel from the side of me and gently patted my 
face until it was dry, it was then that my mind came back to reality and 
reminded me of where l was suppose to be tonight.
 
 
 
 
 

ButtyCutz , Friday, 13th of August 2010 10:48:43 PM

I like it. The idea isn't original though. I think you're a  
ButtyCutz
pretty good writer and if your story was a book I would read it  
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Pumpkin Pie , Saturday, 14th of August 2010 03:03:48 AM

pretty good. a little to much detail. but other than that well  
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Macho , Sunday, 15th of August 2010 05:35:27 PM

i really like the plot. Youre a pretty good writer!  
Macho
 
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Bugaboo , Monday, 16th of August 2010 06:02:03 PM

pretty good. the only problem is, seeing ghosts has been done  
Bugaboo
like a million times so its not very origional.  
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